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Thongs or big knickers?

Did Bridget Jones have it right all along?

According to Harriet Walker (The Times, May 2016) thongs are no longer the underwear of choice for girls who want to avoid the dreaded VPL. Apparently, big knickers are back in Vogue and so well designed that you would never even know you had them on.

Apparently no line, no muffin top, no pants on show. So delighted is Harriet, she devotes a whole page to the demise of the G-string once so loved by celebrities. Apparently, such is the race back to covering up, that sales have dropped from a high of 30% of knicker sales to below 10%.

Apparently, thongs are sooooo un-fash that Vogue has branded them ‘pre-crash, pre-smartphone and pre-Hillary for president’ (We did not realise that your knickers define your wealth, communication and politics – but it is an interesting concept). As ever, the poor men get the blame for us ever suffering the odd string incident. According to Avril Mair of Harper’s Bazaar, they were only ever ‘a male delusion of what’s sexy’. Really? Whatever the reason or history, our trusty strings are deemed dead in the laundry water. Apparently the way to go is the Brazilian – low rise, high leg and cut away at the back. (It sounds like a big thong to us!)

Well the Sassista’s are a little wary of following the dictats of the fashionistas when it comes to VPL management. Many of us have relied on our stringy-knicks for a long time now, confident that if you buy them two sizes too big, you will never have to worry about lumpy trousers. Yes, there are terrible tales of thrush, putting them on the wrong way and getting the leg-holes round your waist, and inadvertent wedgies; but the only discomfort we have ever had is when Annie – she of Annie Recommends – took it upon herself to iron Sassista One’s string thong and burnt the elastic to a bottom-grazing crisp. That was not funny. It hurt and it took a week of Savlon to calm things down.

So what is so good and so fashionable about big knickers?

According to the enthusiastic Harriet, big knickers are big on…

  • Avoiding perma–wedgies. We say just buy them big enough!

  • Whale-tails (when the top of your thong shows above your trousers when you bend over). We say, don’t wear them with hipsters. It is just not Sassy to flash.

  • Ensuring you do not look like an erotic dancer. We say, just don’t swing around poles unless in the privacy of your own home.

  • Giving you that pin-up look a la Dita Von Teese and Katy Perry. We say – dream on!

  • A style statement under floaty dresses a la Gigi Hadid and Daisy Lowe. We say - dream on but with an element of delusion. See through skirts don’t go down in the office or Tesco.

So what do you do? Step one – decide for yourself. It is your life, your choice and if you want to wear not wedge a thong then you do it! A few tips to thong-sass:

  • Buy them too big. A VPL around your waist is still a VPL

  • Buy them in cotton. It’s a matter of health

  • When they go grey – throw them away

  • Match your bra. Remember what mum used to say – if you get run over you need to have nice undies.

One last little comment in Harriet’s article was a reference to the butt-lifter, apparently popular with young women as it lifts and sculpts your bottom into two pert circles. Now, we feel a little research coming on…watch this space.

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